Tag Archives: HG

Remembering my HG Loss; Angel

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Today, (21st October 2021) is the13th anniversary of my little ones death. ‘Angel’ was my sons twin, he/she died at 9 weeks into the pregnancy due to the severity of my hyperemesis gravidarum. I only started receiving IV fluids and IV medications at 9 weeks into my second hg pregnancy, the morning after, we found out that one of our little ones had passed away.  I cant help but wonder if I had received more help for the hg, would I be blessed with twin 12 years old instead of just one?

Today I look back to my 2nd HG pregnancy during 2008/9 and think how badly I was looked after by the health care professionals, especially compared to my 2019/20 pregnancy. I was only 20/21 and despite having suffered HG before, was neglected and left to look after a toddler all the while severely dehydrated and deathly ill. My condition became so bad that I went into early liver failure on several occasions. In the end my liver was the reason I had to deliver Joshua prematurely. Throughout that pregnancy I was denied strong anti-emetics like ondansetron until well over 20 weeks despite multiple admissions to hospital and practically begging for help!

How is it I was allowed to get so poorly that I lost one of my babies? That I went in to early organ failure? And that I could be denied such a lifesaving drug for so long despite being so unwell??

Sadly this situation wasn’t rare or even uncommon, especially back then. Since Kate Middleton brought light and awareness to this awful and debilitating pregnancy condition, things have started to improve. But there are still some hospitals and doctors who are refusing medications like ondansetron to women who need it, for uninformed reasons.

Many GPs and hospital doctors do not like to give out medications that can increase the risk of congenital abnormalities to the foetus. It was always believed the Ondansetron increased the risk of cleft lip/cleft palate. And in truth there is a very slight increase in risk. But the risk is tiny.

In every 10,000 normal pregnancies there are 11 babies born with cleft lip/palate

In every 10,000 pregnancies where a woman has used ondansetron there are 14 babies born with cleft lip/palate.

Thats an increase in 3 in 10,000…when you compare this to the risks to the baby when the mother is dehydrated and malnourished, its seems tiny and insignificant. Personally I feel that as long as the risks have been properly assessed and the mother informed then it should be her choice to take medications like this. They may very well be a life saver for her and her baby! Would my baby be here if I had been allowed Ondansetron?

So today I think about all the women who are still left to suffer without the proper help they need to deal with their HG. To the women who sadly lose their babies to HG.

Did you know that the chance of pregnancy loss in an HG pregnancy is 1 in every 3. So one baby in every 3 HG pregnancies wont make it to birth.
Many women feel they cannot continue and are forced to terminate their wanted pregnancies because they cannot cope with the symptoms of HG. 5% of all terminations account for women who couldn’t deal with their pregnancy symptoms. That’s a huge amount!

I believe its time that women are supported, its time that doctors and health care professionals listen to the struggles of women and actually help them control their nausea and vomiting for the sake of all the beautiful little ones lost because of this insidious condition.

If you need help with you symptoms of nausea and vomiting. Or if its become so bad that you feel your only choice is to terminate. If your health practitioners are not taking you seriously I urge you to contact the pregnancy sickness support charity who can help advocate for you and give you some support to help you deal with your symptoms. They are non-judgemental and will LISTEN.

https://www.pregnancysicknesssupport.org.uk/get-help/

Please reach out for support, you don’t have to face HG alone!

R.I.P Angel
R.I.P all little ones lost to Hyperemesis Gravidarum!

You will never be forgotten and always remembered!

 

 

 

Hyperemesis Gravidarum & Mental Health

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Today is World Mental Health Day 2021 and I thought I would just post about how much mental health can take a hammering with constant nausea and vomiting from both Hyperemesis Gravidarum and Gastroparesis.

During a HG Pregnancy

It is hardly a surprise that Hyperemesis Gravidarum can take a major toll on a woman’s mental health whilst she is suffering. The random and frequent nature of vomiting and constant nausea can leave the sufferer house bound, too worried to be far from the bathroom in case an episode of vomiting occurs whilst out. This can lead to feelings of isolation. Not being able to take part in social activities with friends and family..

The feeling of not being able to enjoy pregnancy got me down whilst I suffered HG. Women were meant to be ‘glowing’ and enjoying their pregnancies. I always felt like people thought I was ungrateful which couldn’t be further from the truth. I desperately wanted my baby but hated feeling so awful with no break from the 24/7 nausea. The only time I had respite was when I slept and even then if my stomach filled with bile/acid it would cause me to wake to vomit. This would cause disrupted sleep which would add to making my mood even lower.

Being always in hospital would make me anxious and low, I hated being away from my husband and children. This was even worst when covid hit and I wasn’t allowed any visitors.

Then there was the anxiety that this constant sickness would hurt my baby in some way. Would the malnutrition and dehydration cause physical or mental abnormalities in my unborn baby. How would it survive without nutrients. This is turn led to guilt. I would feel like it was my fault and that I was responsible for my husband and childrens worry about my health. The guilt of not being a proper mum (cooking their dinner, helping with homework etc). The guilt of what I may be doing to the baby I was carrying.

The guilt, misery and feeling sick 24/7 would leave me wishing that I had the guts to terminate the pregnancy or even worse, wishing I would miscarry. Then I would feel hideously guilty for daring to think like this. I have gone through several miscarriages and a stillbirth, of course I would never want this for my baby! I loved my baby, he/she kept me going through this hell. I didn’t really want them gone just the dreadful HG. But I hated myself for my sinister thoughts, there are women who would do anything for a healthy baby and there is me wishing mine away. But this is how hideous HG is. You feel that unwell that you have these awful thoughts, you are so desperate to be out of this horrific state that you get to wishing your precious baby away. But its not really wishing your baby away, its desperately wishing that feeling so awful will end. You feel so guilty at your thoughts you end up wishing you would die so that at least you could be out of the physical and mental suffering. I would think, at least if I died I would be away from feeling so terrible but I wouldn’t be guilty of wishing my own baby gone or wanting to terminate. I would even plan my suicide. Wondering what to do to cause the least damage to my husband and children. Desperately praying that the HG would just hurry up and take me so I didn’t have to do it myself!

Physically feeling so dreadful and low blood sugar leaves you irritable and angry that you are suffering and that people are getting on with their lives. You end up resenting those who have easier pregnancies, wishing people knew what it felt like. Your thoughts turn increasingly bitter and angry. All the while being so sad that you cant enjoy the pregnancy, and all the positive things that go with it, baby showers, gender reveals, getting excited over baby clothes. Instead you are either hunched over a bucket or the toilet or in bed praying for the nausea to just stop!

As the pregnancy continues and the symptoms of HG don’t subside your mood gets lower and you wonder how much more you can put up with. You worry that you wont bond with your baby. How can you love something that has brought you so much suffering? People don’t understand, they can comprehend sickness at the beginning of the pregnancy. In fact most pregnancies involve some nausea and vomiting. But this is a different level, and very few people can grasp just how bad it is. People think they know what its like, everyone has times of nausea and vomiting. But very few people truly know HG. To know HG you have to have suffered from it!

People grow tired of hearing your suffering/praying for you. Their patience ends, some even feel like you are exaggerating. You feel desperately alone with your suffering. And the biggest feelings of life being so totally unfair? All you can think is ‘Why me?’, what did I deserve to get this. All logical thoughts of genetics and hormone intolerances go out the window and you just feel bitter to everyone who isnt feeling just as horrid as you! HG is a vicious ball of misery!

After a HG Pregnancy

Sadly some women arent able to hold on and have to accept that they can no longer carry the pregnancy and are forced to terminate. This comes with its own feelings of loss and sadness. I have never terminated a pregnancy so cannot comprehend just how terrible it must feel to have to go through that. However having lost a twin to HG, you never get over the guilt of feeling, if my body could just have been stronger, would my baby still be here? It is hard to see that you did an incredible job and that life can be unnecessarily cruel. To go through HG and come out without a little bundle of joy is so hard. How can life/God be so awfully cruel and unfair?

After the HG has ended, people expect everything to be ok! You have your baby, for most people they no longer feel sick at all. So people just expect you to be happy and grateful! No one tells you that sometimes you don’t immediately bond with your new baby. Sometimes you don’t feel that immediate bliss. Sometimes you don’t feel better. Sometimes your struggle isnt over if you have postnatal complications after birth or if your child is born with health issues.

After your baby is born you are left with the aftermath of the pregnancy, you are left wondering why you had such an awful pregnancy and will it be the same if you have any more children. No one ever talks about the trauma that is left behind. The flashbacks and feelings of failure. The absolute paralysing fear you may get when you have a stomach upset and those feelings of panic that you might be pregnant.

Hyperemesis can leave you with long lasting depression and anxiety. You are far more likely to have postnatal mental health problems after going through a HG pregnancy but there is no support. You try to talk to your partner or friend and they cant understand. HG is in your past but people don’t realise that you have to deal with it and process what you went through. Going through HG, you have to take things  minute by minute, its not possible to deal with the emotional side until you are through the other side. But this is when people are least understanding. You have the role of mum, you don’t have time to deal with your own baggage as you are too busy looking after this demanding little baby..

One of my biggest struggle after I had given birth is knowing I wouldnt be able to have anymore children. We always wanted a big family, and had hoped for 4 children! But to have any more children would be too dangerous for me. It might be fatal next time. I also had so many health problems after I gave birth. These include, infertility from premature menopause, cPTSD (complex post traumatic stress disorder) and gastroparesis. I was left feeling very depressed that what should have been a happy time in my life was cruelly snatched away from me. To this day I still feel resentful at not having a good pregnancy, at having to spend most of my pregnancy in hospital, attached to tubes and drips! And I still battle with the feeling of great unfairness! As soon as I go anywhere near the hospital I get episodes of intense anxiety and panic and I get flashbacks of my times in hospital.

I have no answers for you dear reader! Im sorry I have no advice other than to take one day at a time. Going through HG is not a small feat! If you have gone through it, then you are incredible but be gentle with yourself and know its completely ok to not be ok!

 

***Its ok if you are grieving for the good pregnancy you didn’t have, you need to mourn it!
***Its ok to be sad that you did not get to experience the joyful pregnancy events, it is sad that you were too unwell to enjoy things
***its ok to be angry that this happened to you, its unfair!
***its ok that you didn’t feel bliss when you first saw/held you baby…the love will come!
***Its ok that you panic when you feel sick, it must bring back so many terrible memories
***Its ok to cry at all the things you missed out on when you were sick..you need to grieve the things you missed out on!
***its ok to resent other peoples pregnancies..life can be cruel, no one deserves to suffer! But remember just because you cant see them suffer, does not mean that they are having a good pregnancy
***Its ok if you became depressed or anxious after your baby was born…its is not a surprise you are struggling after everything you went through!
***Its ok if you did not recover from HG after the birth…it takes different people different times to recover. Take things slow and be kind to yourself!

Do
– Seek help…you don’t deserve to suffer, your mental health is just as important as your physical help..whether you look in to hypnosis or counselling…get professional help to get through these difficult times. If you need medication, this is ok too! Accept any help you can to get you through this.
– TALK…it is good to share your feelings, you deserve to have your experience validated! Speak to your GP or get some counselling to talk through your experience and how it has left you feeling. You deserve to be able to process your experience and have help getting through this
– Be honest…if you are depressed, anxious or suicidal…there is nothing to be ashamed of, you have been through so much but now is the time to admit this and get some help, you are worthy of help and deserve to feel better
– Be gentle with yourself…it will take time for you to feel better. Do things that help you get through this tough time. Make time just for you to do something to help your mood, whether its reading a book, getting a manicure. Anything to give yourself a treat!
– Be patient…it will take time to process what you went through, do not rush through this process. It is better to take things slowly and process it properly than rush through things only to bury them in your subconscious where they may appear one day in the future if you have not dealt with them properly!
–Be Kind!..going through HG and the aftermath of HG is awful but remember that many people are going through individual struggles too!
– Communicate…tell people what you need from them, whether its a chat or whether is it something that can help you through the day, like child care or picking up groceries. Generally people just want to help if you are struggling. Let people know what they can do to help you

Don’t
– Be Ashamed…you are a strong person but even strong people need help and support from time to time!
– Compare you HG journey and its aftermath to other sufferers…each persons experience is different, no 2 cases are the same. Your experience is just as important as anyone elses no matter what severity of HG you had. Even mild HG causes severe trauma! Do not think that someone with a more severe case of HG has it any harder than a mild case! People deal with different things in different ways, it is important to focus on your journey of recovery!
–Ignore or deny your feelings…you deserve to be heard and deserve support to get through this
– Assume your low mood/anxiety will go on its own…if you are suffering with mental health problems whether pregnant or postnatal, seek help as it may get worse if you do not treat it. Do not try and manage on your own
–Don’t assume other people have brilliant pregnancies…its ok to mourn the lack of a good pregnancy, but do not assume that other people have wonderful pregnancies. You never know what someone is going through and how they are coping with things.
– Lash out…its ok to feel bad, to be sad and angry but it is not ok to lash out at other people or yourself. It is no ones fault what you went through.
– Cope on your own!

 If you feel suicidal please reach out, nothing is so bad that you need to go down this road! Below are a list of useful numbers that you can call if you need to talk to someone!

National Suicide Helpline UK 0800 689 5652

Samaritans: 116 123
SMS: Text SHOUT to 85258

National Suicide Prevention Hotline tel:1-800-273-8255

I am always here if anyone would like some support or info of how to get support. Please send me an email to:
michellestevens1802@gmail.com or text/phone me on 07889453512

HG Reality Quote

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One of my dear HG friends is making reality quote pictures for HG awareness and I thought I would share mine on here!

I find it frightening how one day I can be perfectly fine and then the next I find myself so sick with Hyperemesis. Had I known that for the next 2 years I would not have a single day where I didn’t have at least one episode of vomiting, I think I would have seriously contemplated ending the pregnancy right then and there.

Hyperemesis Gravidarum is hell but the nightmare it left behind has been the most traumatising. You expect to make a full recovery when you have your baby in your arms and for most women this is how it is. But for a small number of us, things don’t return back to normal and we are left with medical and mental health complications that can be long term or even life long.

You take each day of hyperemesis as it comes knowing that you are one day closer to that feeling of pure bliss where you have your baby in your arms and you are feeling so much better. The nausea is gone and vomiting a distant memory. So imagine if you are expecting this and holding on dearly for that! You get to that special day and you have your beautiful bundle in your arms but the vomiting hasn’t gone and you are still feeling that awful nausea! You panic! Doctors reassure you to give it time, its hormonal and it will settle as the pregnancy hormones leave your body!

You give it time, a week goes by, then a month and before you know it a whole year has passed and yet you are still experiencing nausea and vomiting. You are still suffering despite there being no chance of you being pregnant. Imagine being stuck in that nightmare!

It took 15 months after my baby was born before I finally got a diagnosis, nearly 2 whole years of vomiting daily to learn I now have gastroparesis. But whether HG caused that or the feeding tube injury we will never know. It is possible it is a condition I already had but made worst by pregnancy. I will never have the answers, I just know that one day I was fine and the next I became sick and that sickness didn’t end even after the HG ended!

Devastating Blow

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I ask the reader to have an open mind and be as non-judgemental as possible, with remembrance that we are not all the same and don’t all think and feel the same!

This week (September 7th 2021) I had an ultrasound relating to a minor gynae issue and discovered some potentially life changing and devastating news.

The doctor scanning me asked me about my symptoms whilst scanning. I hadn’t given much thought to my reproductive system as my gastric issues have been the forefront of my mind as well as poor Ollies health problems! But some of the symptoms were there, I just hadn’t connected the dots. The doctor said it was likely I was entering premature menopause, brought on by the trauma of the HG pregnancy or the continuing starvation my body is currently undergoing or a combination of the two. Either way I would need some more tests to confirm this, including blood tests. I’m still waiting to hear back from my consultant, I’m sure it will be a while before I know for certain, the wait is the worse thing!

So most people wont get this, but I’m gutted! Why would it bother me? My pregnancies are awful…you would assume I’m done! Yes the hyperemesis is awful, yes it nearly killed me twice. But I don’t feel done! Maybe its because I’m an angel mum and no amount of babies will compensate for the massive loss I’ve gone through? Maybe its because we have looked in to adoption and fostering and its looking so unlikely we will be suitable for either. Surrogacy is way out of our price range too. Maybe that its just that I’m having my options taken away. I don’t think I would ever choose to fall pregnant again but that doesn’t mean I’m ready to throw the towel in. It is not my choice.

Rightly or wrongly I always associated the menopause with the next stage of life, getting older. Its what happens when you are starting to reach your 50s and here I am only 33. Most of my school friends are just starting to have their children and here I am learning that, that’s it for me! What happens if a miracle HG drug comes in and we decided we wanted to go for another baby? I’m just not ready to take this next step in life. I sit here deeply saddened, its brought all sorts of thoughts and emotions and I suppose it feels like a grief.

Why cant I have normal pregnancies? Why cant my pregnancies be filled with happiness, not tubes and drips? Being as sick as I was during pregnancy made me feel ashamed, ashamed that I couldn’t just ‘get on with it’, ashamed that I wasn’t a beautiful glowing mum to be. I felt like I let me husband down. He couldn’t be the proud dad to be showing off his wife and her beautiful bump! I was always pale and sickly or had tubes in my face and arms. Why couldn’t I just be normal? Even after the birth I had to have the sickness continue..it just feels like I let him and myself down again!
“There’s always something wrong” I hear in peoples heads, they don’t even have to say it. There is a huge hidden shame within me.

Yes I’m so lucky I have 3 beautiful children, I should be so grateful and thankful that I have been blessed with them, some poor women don’t have this good fortune! Please believe me I am grateful and I feel sad for them and deeply sorry. And I also feel ashamed at my self pity! My older 2 children are biologically mine, I gave birth to them but that’s where the mothering stopped until Sarah was about 12 and Joshua was about 10. You see as a teenage mum I had a lot of help with Sarah and I fell pregnant with Joshua when Sarah was only just a year old due to falling pregnant whilst on the coil. HG reared its ugly head and I was so unwell that Sarah had to be looked after by my grandparents. After Joshua’s birth I developed symptoms of M.E as a result of the HG and was unable to look after my children as my illness progressed. I became house bound and a lot of the time bed bound, sleeping over 18 hours a day. So I missed out on so much, the story time at bedtime, the school plays, family trips out etc. I was always in bed, unable to do very much at all. During the day they were under the care of my grandparents and then when my husband finished work he would pick them up. I certainly wasn’t a proper mother to them. Missing out on being their mother for all those years is something I will never get over. It was having Ollie that improved my symptoms of M.E, during the pregnancy I went into remission from it. After his birth the M.E did return but not to such an extreme level. I have been able to cope as a mother to all 3 of the children and able to do so much more than I could before. But for example, I have  only experience of raising one toddler (Ollie) as by the time both my older children were his age they were being cared for by my grandparents. I have never experienced raising a small child before. In some ways it is like being a surrogate mother. I gave birth to my children but did not raise them. 

I was so incredibly lucky to have such a wonderful and caring grandparents who sacrificed everything to help look after my children. Without them, my children may have ended up in care or being fostered or Gavin would have had to give up work and we would be living entirely on the state. It was a hugely kind thing of them. They loved looking after my children, my grandmother still reminds me when I am sad and cry at the burden I imposed on them that actually looking after my children kept her and my grandad young, and that they loved it! I will never be able to repay the kindness they gave to me, I have nothing but gratitude toward them and shame at how I had to rely on my elderly grandparents as I was incapable to raising the two children I should have been responsible for. I will never ever get the years I missed back… but please try to see how being too unwell to raise my children may be why I do not feel like I have completely done with having children…I didn’t experience raising 3 children.

I have loved having the chance to be a proper mum, without having fallen pregnant with Ollie I would not have got this chance. I would go through HG for the rest of my life to have the joy of my children, I’d do anything for them.. But I cant help wonder what having a sibling more his age would be like? Someone for him to play with, the older 2 are already out and about and very independent, this will only increase over time. Ollie may at times feel like an only child. Don’t get me wrong there are benefits to this, more parental attention etc. 

As a mother to babies who have not survived pregnancy, I don’t think you ever truly get over the loss. There is always feelings of what ifs. Having another baby never replaces the one you lost, but you cant help wondering if filling your life with children will stop the constant gnawing at your heart of the ones you lost. You subconsciously try to soothe your soul in whatever way you can, but the reality is you can never make up for that ache. It doesn’t take much to bring up a reminder of the day you had to say goodbye. A familiar smell or if you hear a song that you heard that same day. For me it was the smell of popcorn, we had been at a bowling alley when I got that first stab of pain and I remember I could smell of popcorn (there had been a popcorn stand) and the smell along with the pain made me feel awful. Losing my angels may be a reason why I am unable to feel ‘done’ after having my 3 live children. But I know that even if I had 30 children and wonderful pregnancy experiences it will never make up for those I lost. I will never forget my little angels but I do recognise how blessed I am to have 3 healthy children.

It is so doubtful I’d choose to have another child but that doesn’t stop me wondering what if. It doesn’t stop me mourning the lack of a good pregnancy and feelings of joy when carrying a baby. And that doesn’t mean I’m ready for my fertility to be gone…

There is also the element of fear, I worry what the menopause will do to my body, how I’ll cope with it. I don’t feel ready for this huge next step. 
Forgive me if I seem selfish and ungrateful but I have so many thoughts and feelings in my head! Most of all I’m so angry! Angry that my HG pregnancy possibly caused this. Angry that the NHS has been so busy with covid that they have left me 15 months and more slowly starving, continuously suffering with sickness. How could they leave me to get so bad? Why has it taken so long to get the treatment my body so desperately needs. It really isn’t good enough. If something isn’t done soon, how long before other parts of my body become damaged for good?  

Still Sick after Hyperemesis (part 2)

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I am now 14 months after having my baby, I should have been free from the HG symptoms for well over a year now. But my sickness is ongoing and I’m yet to have an official diagnosis, though my consultants are 99% sure I have gastroparesis. This is what life is like for me currently:

My Symptoms to date
~ Lack of appetite and food aversions
~ Feeling full quickly after eating
~ Severe nausea throughout the day (particularly after eating)
~ Bouts of vomiting (between 2-5 episodes a day on average)
~ Stomach pain, especially after eating. It usually gets worst, until I vomit
~ Dizziness and energy level drops
~ Acid reflux
~ Low mood and anxiety
~ Weight loss

How it affects me on a daily basis
~Never being able to eat out in public, go for a meal or have dinner with friends
~ Fluctuations in energy, depending on whether my food is digested or just sat in my stomach
~Difficulty maintaining a stable weight. When my vomiting is worse or my stomach not digesting I can lose weight.
~Malnutrition. I have to rely on a lot of supplements and vitamins to keep up with all the micronutrients that my body isnt getting from the food
~Electrolyte imbalances. It is quite easy for my electrolytes like sodium and potassium to get low from where I am sick so frequently
~Dehydration. If the vomiting is particularly severe or I am in a flare up, I will sometimes struggle to keep down fluids. During these times I may need IV fluids to stabilise me until I can tolerate oral fluids again
~Pain, most meals I eat gives me pain under my ribs on the left hand side. It varies in severity. Often this pain is relieved when I am sick, but sometimes it can go on for longer
~Nausea, though I have antiemetics they do not help my nausea. This can be really hard to deal with and leave me often wishing I would be sick to end the prolonged nausea
~ Not wanting to go out for fear of vomiting in public or being unable to get to a bathroom
~ Feeling low at these ongoing symtoms and worrying that they will never go. Often this condition can get me so down I wish that I had never made it through the pregnancy. I would wish to die just so that I can be free of this prolonged hell.

It is now 22 months since my sickness started (started as HG) that I would still find myself suffering nausea and vomiting on a daily basis. I desperately wish and pray for a relief or cure for this condition.

But how can hyperemesis gravidarum continue despite no pregnancy? Well for me, it didn’t continue..it changed from pregnancy sickness to a sickness condition. This is not hyperemesis gravidarum, this is most likely Gastroparesis. And to get it from HG is so rare, don’t let my story scare you. One of my doctors theorised that I may have got this gastroparesis from the time my feeding tube became dislodged and coiled from my jejunum back into my stomach. At the time, it caused a lot of pain..so much so that I was given entonox. It is thought that this dislodged tubed caused damage to the nerves in my stomach which is why my stomach paralyses.

It is also possible I already had this condition mildly but that the pregnancy just made it worse, as I already had bowel motility issues from before pregnancy. I will never truly know whether the HG was a direct cause of the gastroparesis I now suffer.

My hopes now are to get this condition formally diagnosed so that I can begin treatment so that I can finally have my life back. I could look back and be bitter at the time I should have spent enjoying my new son being completely ruined by this sickness condition, but I cannot change the past. I need to move on from this and focus on a healthier future and if that means learning how to live with this condition then that is what I must do but I refuse to be beaten by it.

Still Sick After Hyperemesis (Part 1)

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After my csection I was gutted that I was still reliant on my feeding tube. I really thought after my baby had been born, I would be feeling much better and certainly able to eat. Here I was hours after birth and completely unable to eat or drink, feeling just as nauseous as when he was in my tummy.

I was reassured that it was the shock to my body after the surgery and it would be temporary, so though frustrated I was patient! Then the next morning I almost died of a septic shower, food was not a priority. During my time in intensive care I was reliant on drips and my feeding tube but before they would discharge me they wanted me to be eating solid food. My first meal consisted of a cheese sandwich, a pot of jelly and cup of orange juice. After 9 months of not eating…what a really underwhelming meal!! It was a total disappointment and what’s more it didn’t even stay down. Doctors on ICU were not concerned, after all the antibiotics I had for the sepsis it wasn’t surprising my body wasn’t tolerating any food. They believed that when I got home and was able to relax I would start feeling better and tolerating food.

I was finally discharged from hospital, but my sickness still hadn’t gone. Unlike hyperemesis where the nausea and vomiting was uncontrollable and constant, this I noticed was after I had eaten I would eat something and feel really sick and full really quickly, then a while later I would vomit the food. The time between having eaten to when I would get sick would vary quite a lot. At first I wasn’t worried, my consultant told me that after what I had just gone through with the pregnancy and then the sepsis it was likely that over the next couple of weeks these symptoms would fade. That the pregnancy hormones were still playing havoc with me and that as they decreased in level so too would my nausea. This made sense to me, I wasn’t concerned and Ollie was still in Neonatal Intensive Care so I had other priorities and worries. I assumed that as things settled down I would start feeling better. The stress of Ollie being so unwell definitely wouldn’t be helping

Things didn’t get better though, and my symptoms were very random. Some days I would not get sick until hours after the meal (often waking during the night to vomit) and then there were days where I would not even finish a meal before an episode of vomiting would happen. I would also get pain in my stomach, even after just a few mouthfuls of a meal. Ollie finally came home but was still quite poorly and I had the hard task of trying to get him to feed and put on weight. The sickness didn’t get worse but it didn’t get better either. It remained the same every day.

4 weeks after the birth of Ollie, my midwife was about to discharge me and went through all the necessary checks. How was my scar doing – it had healed really well. Was I still bleeding? Yes. How was I managing with feeding Ollie etc. It came up about my sickness still being there. She had noticed how down it was getting me. After all I had expected the HG to vanish after the birth and yet here I was 4 weeks after Ollie’s birth and still vomiting. She was quite concerned and had not heard of HG persisting after birth and urged me to speak to my GP about it. My GP did not seem too concerned at this point, he thought it might have been because I was breastfeeding Ollie and that the hormones responsible for producing milk were responsible. He was certain I would be feeling better soon. I was instructed to eat small meals and keep taking my anti-emetics. Though I was frustrated I followed the medical advice to the letter, desperate to start getting back to normal. But nothing worked.

At 8 weeks after the birth, I had my postnatal check up and Ollie had his checks and first set of immunisations. When I spoke to the doctor and described my symptoms and how I was still losing weight (albeit slowly) he was very concerned. He referred to the gastroenterology department at the hospital. My community dietician who had been involved with me during the pregnancy had been really helpful and given advice on what kind of meals to eat, they also prescribed me some nourishing milkshake and soup supplements to boost my nutrition. These supplements helped maintain my weight, when I flared up and was unable to eat I would have more of these supplements

By December 2020 (6 months after birth) my gastro consultant, with the dieticians were certain that I was suffering from gastroparesis and started organising some tests to prove this. Due to the pandemic it has been a long wait to get these tests done and even to this day (August 2021) I still haven’t had a formal diagnosis though have had some of the tests.

Still being so unwell despite the pregnancy being over has taken its toll on my mental health. I haven’t been able to move on past the HG because its still not over. It gets me down that I’m still struggling with these awful symptoms. Ollie is now 14 months old as I write this blog. I am still as poorly as I was after delivery. My sickness is still the same, it is not worse but it is no better. The covid pandemic meant that all my investigations and referrals have taken twice as long, but it had now been 22 months since I started being sick daily (starting with HG). Until I get a formal diagnosis and a treatment plan I cannot process what has happened to me. I know that there is a lot of raw emotion and trauma but I just don’t feel like I can face it at the moment. The thought of facing what has happened to me this last 2 years is too overwhelming at the moment, I’m dreading the day when I have no choice but to face it.

My 1st HG Pregnancy

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My Pregnancy with Sarah
Mild Hyperemesis Gravidarum

After I lost Charlie my mind would only concentrate on pregnancy and anything related to babies. I would look up how far along I would have been, id see expectant mothers and wonder if that’s what my bump would have looked like. And then id research into the newborn stage etc. I was so down and missed my baby so much..As a newly single young woman, I went through a whole host of one night stands and tried dating. In September 2006, a whole year after losing Charlie I met up with my now Husband Gavin on a blind date.  Our first date was a disaster but then we tried again on a second date. I had already started my nursing course at university but hated it and was still obsessed with the idea of having a family. This meant that the first time that I was intimate with Gavin I was not as careful as I should have been. I didn’t care if I got pregnant, I hated university, I hated nursing and I desperately missed my little boy. I discovered I was pregnant sometime in November. It started off just feeling ‘Off’. I felt icky, a bit like I had the beginning of a stomach upset or had a hangover. It didn’t clear up at all so I took a test and lo and behold I got a very strong Positive! As you can imagine, having only been with my boyfriend for just under 2 months, I was a little worried about how to approach the topic but in the end I just came out with it. I had been prepared to be a single mum, I was thrilled to have this baby and nothing would stop me having him/her but I wasn’t prepared for how pleased Gavin was. He was really excited and that shocked me.

The sickness didn’t begin as early as it has done in my subsequent pregnancies. I think it was around the 7 week mark that it really hit me but the nausea had been pretty intense. I had been completely unprepared for it having not had anything with Charlie. However I did find that eating small snacks helped. If I didn’t let myself get too hungry I could keep the sickness to a minimum. By this stage it was traditional morning sickness (NVP) not hyperemesis. It would affect me when I woke up before id had a chance to eat or drink anything. However by 9-10 weeks things started getting worse. The sickness was now at any point during the day. The nausea was unrelenting and I would feel dreadful all day. I think at that point I was vomiting about 5-8 times a day, however I managed to keep myself fairly well hydrated and I would have some days where I could eat and it would stay down. Things that helped me were salty crisps and fizzy drinks like coke. My midwife wasn’t at all concerned and told me this was normal so I didn’t worry. I don’t think she believed how nauseous I felt the whole time though. I had been given a midwife who specialised in teen pregnancy and I think she was used to over-exaggeration.

By 11 weeks things the sickness had become a nightmare, I was so nauseous all of the time, it started to affect my ability to eat. I would find it hard to physically swallow the food as I just felt so awful. The sickness had remained the same (vomiting no more than 8 times in a day) though having never heard of hyperemesis I found it really traumatising and I was constantly worried about my baby. I started having days when I couldn’t keep anything down including sips of water. I phoned the GP for advice and they told me the usual rubbish that morning sickness was perfectly normal and that I should keep having sips of water and dry toast/biscuits. I was trying so hard but nothing seemed to help. I would become so weak and unable to get out of bed. My blood pressure would drop and a couple of times I passed out. Gavin became increasingly worried and it got to a point where he didn’t want to leave me in case I got really hurt if I passed out. I had just started a nursing placement on the Stroke ward but it became impossible to cope. The smells were overbearing and I would frequently need to be excused to vomit. In the end I decided I couldn’t do this anymore and quit my course.

Things were at their worst in January, I remember being so sick I hadn’t kept down anything including water for 2 days and I felt like I was going to die. I called the GP again and spoke to the same doctor who said that I should be fine but to call back if I hadn’t been able to go for a wee in over 24 hours and they would then consider getting me some treatment. I had gone for a wee that morning so assumed I wasn’t serious enough for any treatment. I didn’t know what was wrong with me, I didn’t have a name for the condition.

Come February things got a bit easier, I started tolerating fluids and even small bites of food. I went to my GP after my midwife had found protein in my urine and thought I had a UTI and advised I go and get antibiotics. I saw a different doctor and she found ketones in my urine sample. She asked me about my sickness and I had explained what had been going on. She explained that she thought I had been suffering Hyperemesis Gravidarum. I was dumbfounded…I had been blown off my the other doctor twice and left at 18 years of age to just get on with it. No one had even suggested what I had been going through was not normal. She asked how I was coping and decided to prescribe me an anti-emetic medicine, it was metaclopramide syrup. I think she gave me it as a syrup as I was keeping down fluids but not much solids. I took the medicine and it did help me keep down a lot more. By 20 weeks, I was experiencing NVP not HG. I would vomit once or twice a day at maximum and even my constant nausea had gone.

The second trimester was so much kinder on me and I was able to continue on with the pregnancy. I struggled with anaemia and a lot of hip and back pain. But it was more like what I had imagined ‘normal’ pregnancy to be. Scans showed our baby was growing nicely, but we didn’t find out the babies gender. At around 32 weeks into the pregnancy my nausea increased again. The vomiting was still only a few times a day (3 or 4 times a day maximum).

I went into labour naturally at 39 weeks. It started on the evening of July 18th , I got dull period type cramps and my mucus plug began to come away. The morning of the 19th I thought I was in labour and warned Gavin to be on alert as I was getting regular pains. I managed during the day though noticed my body was unable to keep down any food. I did wonder if I was experiencing food poisoning as my bowels were very loose. Come the evening of the 19th I knew I was in labour for sure, I was restless. The contractions were regular, but I worried if I turned up too early at the hospital I would be turned away (I had heard horror stories). Gavin went to bed at about 11.30 pm and i laboured on my own til about 3.30am. The pains were becoming too much and I couldn’t cope on my own anymore. I had already had 3 baths (I would later get complaints from my neighbour downstairs that I had kept her awake all night, as she had heard me). Gavin helped me through the contractions but noticed they were lasting longer and coming much more frequently and so phoned the labour ward for advice. They said to bring me in straight away, we got to the hospital at about 4.30am

I was examined and found to be 4cms dilated, I requested an epidural as I was frightened of how much worse the pain could get and given entonox whilst I waited for the anaesthetist. After my epidural was put in it worked partially, they were about the replace it but found my babies heart rate kept dropping. Doctors decided to speed up my labour as the baby was getting tired. They broke my waters for me. The epidural by this point did not work at all. Within the next hour I went from 4 to 6 cms at the next check. Then I felt like I needed to go the toilet, I was checked again and found to be fully dilated to 10cms. I was told I could start pushing. It took me just under 3 hours to push Sarah into the world. I was so proud of myself, at the age of 19 I had survived hyperemesis gravidarum and pushed out our daughter with only entonox! After Sarah was out, I had no more nausea or sickness, I enjoyed tea and toast whilst we blissfully took in the fact that we were actually parents. At the time I thought this pregnancy was hard, and in a lot of ways it was. Whilst my HG had been mild, it was still a lot harder than normal morning sickness. I didn’t think anymore about the pregnancy and what we had endured to get Sarah, I was so grateful to have got my beautiful baby. After having lost Charlie I felt so blessed to have this little girl! Having not known about Hyperemesis Gravidarum, I didn’t even consider I might get it again in future pregnancies, no one had told me anything more. Even my midwife had been fairly clueless about it. It frightens me to realise that even as recently as 2007, there was so much ignorance concerning HG, so many people had no idea that someone could become so sick in pregnancy.

During my pregnancy I hadn’t been weighed by any of the medical professionals, i didn’t even weigh myself, I do think I lost a few pounds in the first half of the pregnancy. Because after Sarah was born I was 2lbs less than what I had weighed in the beginning. Whilst I had been officially diagnosed as having Hyperemesis Gravidarum, it was at the very mildest on the spectrum compared to my subsequent pregnancies.

Sarah Louise Stevens
Born 20th July 2007
at 8.40am
7 lbs 8

What is Hyperemesis Gravidarum

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What is Hyperemesis Gravidarum

Hyperemesis Gravidarum (HG) is severe and excessive nausea and vomiting in pregnancy that can affect approximately 1 in 100 pregnant women. But how can someone tell when it’s hyperemesis and when it’s regular Nausea and Vomiting in Pregnancy?

HG is diagnosed by doctors when:
~ Nausea and/or Vomiting doesn’t subside and is constant
~ Nausea and/or Vomiting is preventing adequate nutrition/fluid intake. Patients often become malnourished and/or dehydrated.
~ There is weight loss
~ Electrolyte imbalances

Here are some differences between NVP and HG, as illustrated by The Pregnancy Sickness Support Charity

How long does HG Last?
For a lot of HG patients, their sickness significantly improves between 14-20 weeks in pregnancy, sadly however there are some women who suffer the entire pregnancy.

But what causes HG in pregnancy?
Not a lot is known about why some women get more sick than others, but scientist believe there are a few possibilities that cause it. One of the theories is genetic component GDF15, another is to do with a rapid rise in the hCG hormone (human chorionic gonadotrophin). There are also theories that the thyroid can play a role in the the causes of hyperemesis gravidarum. Whatever the cause HG is seriously hellish

But forgetting the label. Any sickness in pregnancy is miserable and can really affect the mental health of the sufferer, especially if it is ongoing. Its important that whether you have HG or NVP that you reach out for support. You don’t have to suffer in silence there are so many things that you can try to help. Medications can help as well as other things that your health provider can discuss with you, but also talking support to deal with the low mood and negative feelings that constant nausea and vomiting can bring. A very good source of help for me was from the Pregnancy Sickness Support Charity who organised a peer worker for me to talk to, and there was also a very good forum where I could ask questions and talk to people in a similar situation.

Credit:
www.pregnancysicknesssupport.org.uk
www.rcog.org.uk

Welcome to my Hyperemesis Gravidarum Blog!!

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Welcome to my Hyperemesis Gravidarum (HG) Blog! Im Michelle, from the UK and am 33 years old with 3 children

I have gone through 3 HG pregnancies and 1 HG loss and feel that there is just not enough support and awareness of this awful condition. And even less knowledge about the after effects to both mother and baby after a hyperemesis pregnancy. I decided to write this blog and share my experiences with both Hyperemesis Gravidarum and also its after effects on my health.

The hyperemesis in my 3rd pregnancy was so severe that I needed multiple interventions to keep me alive including the use of steroids, PICC Lines, Daily IV fluids, TPN and feeding tubes. In the UK some of these interventions were practically unheard of in an HG pregnancy, when I reached out for support there were so little resources and experiences available. I decided that if my story or experiences could even help just one person feel not so alone then it would be worth sharing. So here I am writing this blog; hoping that it will educate, promote awareness, validate the suffering of women with HG but most of all give hope to anyone going through this hell, that there is light at the end of the tunnel. That your suffering is not for nothing and that little bundle of joy is worth every second of this sinister condition.

You never know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice!