I ask the reader to have an open mind and be as non-judgemental as possible, with remembrance that we are not all the same and don’t all think and feel the same!
This week (September 7th 2021) I had an ultrasound relating to a minor gynae issue and discovered some potentially life changing and devastating news.
The doctor scanning me asked me about my symptoms whilst scanning. I hadn’t given much thought to my reproductive system as my gastric issues have been the forefront of my mind as well as poor Ollies health problems! But some of the symptoms were there, I just hadn’t connected the dots. The doctor said it was likely I was entering premature menopause, brought on by the trauma of the HG pregnancy or the continuing starvation my body is currently undergoing or a combination of the two. Either way I would need some more tests to confirm this, including blood tests. I’m still waiting to hear back from my consultant, I’m sure it will be a while before I know for certain, the wait is the worse thing!
So most people wont get this, but I’m gutted! Why would it bother me? My pregnancies are awful…you would assume I’m done! Yes the hyperemesis is awful, yes it nearly killed me twice. But I don’t feel done! Maybe its because I’m an angel mum and no amount of babies will compensate for the massive loss I’ve gone through? Maybe its because we have looked in to adoption and fostering and its looking so unlikely we will be suitable for either. Surrogacy is way out of our price range too. Maybe that its just that I’m having my options taken away. I don’t think I would ever choose to fall pregnant again but that doesn’t mean I’m ready to throw the towel in. It is not my choice.
Rightly or wrongly I always associated the menopause with the next stage of life, getting older. Its what happens when you are starting to reach your 50s and here I am only 33. Most of my school friends are just starting to have their children and here I am learning that, that’s it for me! What happens if a miracle HG drug comes in and we decided we wanted to go for another baby? I’m just not ready to take this next step in life. I sit here deeply saddened, its brought all sorts of thoughts and emotions and I suppose it feels like a grief.
Why cant I have normal pregnancies? Why cant my pregnancies be filled with happiness, not tubes and drips? Being as sick as I was during pregnancy made me feel ashamed, ashamed that I couldn’t just ‘get on with it’, ashamed that I wasn’t a beautiful glowing mum to be. I felt like I let me husband down. He couldn’t be the proud dad to be showing off his wife and her beautiful bump! I was always pale and sickly or had tubes in my face and arms. Why couldn’t I just be normal? Even after the birth I had to have the sickness continue..it just feels like I let him and myself down again!
“There’s always something wrong” I hear in peoples heads, they don’t even have to say it. There is a huge hidden shame within me.
Yes I’m so lucky I have 3 beautiful children, I should be so grateful and thankful that I have been blessed with them, some poor women don’t have this good fortune! Please believe me I am grateful and I feel sad for them and deeply sorry. And I also feel ashamed at my self pity! My older 2 children are biologically mine, I gave birth to them but that’s where the mothering stopped until Sarah was about 12 and Joshua was about 10. You see as a teenage mum I had a lot of help with Sarah and I fell pregnant with Joshua when Sarah was only just a year old due to falling pregnant whilst on the coil. HG reared its ugly head and I was so unwell that Sarah had to be looked after by my grandparents. After Joshua’s birth I developed symptoms of M.E as a result of the HG and was unable to look after my children as my illness progressed. I became house bound and a lot of the time bed bound, sleeping over 18 hours a day. So I missed out on so much, the story time at bedtime, the school plays, family trips out etc. I was always in bed, unable to do very much at all. During the day they were under the care of my grandparents and then when my husband finished work he would pick them up. I certainly wasn’t a proper mother to them. Missing out on being their mother for all those years is something I will never get over. It was having Ollie that improved my symptoms of M.E, during the pregnancy I went into remission from it. After his birth the M.E did return but not to such an extreme level. I have been able to cope as a mother to all 3 of the children and able to do so much more than I could before. But for example, I have only experience of raising one toddler (Ollie) as by the time both my older children were his age they were being cared for by my grandparents. I have never experienced raising a small child before. In some ways it is like being a surrogate mother. I gave birth to my children but did not raise them.
I was so incredibly lucky to have such a wonderful and caring grandparents who sacrificed everything to help look after my children. Without them, my children may have ended up in care or being fostered or Gavin would have had to give up work and we would be living entirely on the state. It was a hugely kind thing of them. They loved looking after my children, my grandmother still reminds me when I am sad and cry at the burden I imposed on them that actually looking after my children kept her and my grandad young, and that they loved it! I will never be able to repay the kindness they gave to me, I have nothing but gratitude toward them and shame at how I had to rely on my elderly grandparents as I was incapable to raising the two children I should have been responsible for. I will never ever get the years I missed back… but please try to see how being too unwell to raise my children may be why I do not feel like I have completely done with having children…I didn’t experience raising 3 children.
I have loved having the chance to be a proper mum, without having fallen pregnant with Ollie I would not have got this chance. I would go through HG for the rest of my life to have the joy of my children, I’d do anything for them.. But I cant help wonder what having a sibling more his age would be like? Someone for him to play with, the older 2 are already out and about and very independent, this will only increase over time. Ollie may at times feel like an only child. Don’t get me wrong there are benefits to this, more parental attention etc.
As a mother to babies who have not survived pregnancy, I don’t think you ever truly get over the loss. There is always feelings of what ifs. Having another baby never replaces the one you lost, but you cant help wondering if filling your life with children will stop the constant gnawing at your heart of the ones you lost. You subconsciously try to soothe your soul in whatever way you can, but the reality is you can never make up for that ache. It doesn’t take much to bring up a reminder of the day you had to say goodbye. A familiar smell or if you hear a song that you heard that same day. For me it was the smell of popcorn, we had been at a bowling alley when I got that first stab of pain and I remember I could smell of popcorn (there had been a popcorn stand) and the smell along with the pain made me feel awful. Losing my angels may be a reason why I am unable to feel ‘done’ after having my 3 live children. But I know that even if I had 30 children and wonderful pregnancy experiences it will never make up for those I lost. I will never forget my little angels but I do recognise how blessed I am to have 3 healthy children.
It is so doubtful I’d choose to have another child but that doesn’t stop me wondering what if. It doesn’t stop me mourning the lack of a good pregnancy and feelings of joy when carrying a baby. And that doesn’t mean I’m ready for my fertility to be gone…
There is also the element of fear, I worry what the menopause will do to my body, how I’ll cope with it. I don’t feel ready for this huge next step.
Forgive me if I seem selfish and ungrateful but I have so many thoughts and feelings in my head! Most of all I’m so angry! Angry that my HG pregnancy possibly caused this. Angry that the NHS has been so busy with covid that they have left me 15 months and more slowly starving, continuously suffering with sickness. How could they leave me to get so bad? Why has it taken so long to get the treatment my body so desperately needs. It really isn’t good enough. If something isn’t done soon, how long before other parts of my body become damaged for good?